Josh Beckett Accepts The Truth

Josh Beckett: OW, dammit. Not again. Why does this keep happening to me? I play the game the right way! I’m awesome, and I have a rockin’ beard. This is so unfair.

The Trainer: What seems to be the problem, Josh?

Beckett: It’s the… blisters again.

The Trainer: Really?

Beckett: Really.

The Trainer: Really?

Beckett: What the f**k man, you don’t believe me? I’ll throw a ball at your face. I’m Josh Beckett, dammit. Look, dude. It’s totally blisters, man.

The Trainer: Fine, fine.

Beckett: BS, LOOK, dude! (Holds his hand out like a child.)

The Trainer: Put that away. Listen, Josh, we’ve brought someone in here to talk to you about your problem,

Beckett: What ? BS, I’m from Tex…

The Trainer: Stop using Texas to explain everything. Look, this guy’s been waiting outside for the last 30 minutes. He doesn’t have a lot of time to spare, so just hear him out.

Beckett: It’s not Matt Foley, is it? Because I’m not into funny business. And that guy’s totally dead. I have the Internet.

The Trainer: No, idiot.  (opens door.)

Beckett: You’ve got to be kidding me…

Michael Vick: You got those cartons of Newport you promised me, baldy?

The trainer: Dude, you’re out, we use cash not cigarettes.

Vick: Fine, give me $20 bucks. (Gives Vick the money and leaves.) This 10 bucks an hour is some ol’ bullllllllllllllllsh*t. Now, you, the guy with the pubes on his chin.

Beckett: Dude, it’s a sweet beard.

Vick: Whatever, you look like a female to male tranny. Like that pregnant dude. We got the news in jail. Anyway… Listen, B, we all know.

Beckett: Know what?

Vick: You know. About the thing.

Beckett: What thing… this guy is retarded.

Vick: (leans in)

…come on dawg, we know. I ha… I mean, I have a friend named Ron, and he had a problem similar to yours. I know it’s an issue. The ladies don’t like it, and society shuns it.

Beckett: Man… it’s just…it’s just so hard, bro.

Vick: Ay… pause. But I know. But my…friend… eventually learned to embrace his… issue and realized that it was a lot more common than people admit. So it’s not that big of a deal, ya dig?

Beckett: Really?

Vick: Really. Plus, I think I know a way to make this work. But you’ve gotta give me a cut because my money ain’t right right now, son.

(two days later, at a press conference…)

Beckett: This Big Pharma money is pretty good, bro.

Vick: And I can buy a lot of wee… orange juice.